Thursday, November 26, 2015


I stopped writing here almost two years ago. Although writing is great therapy for me (actually, probably my best therapy), there was so much pain and I was deeply terrified of the words I would spill on this page. There has been a tremendous amount of hurt that has gone on here. There is no way in the world to catch anyone up to speed, so I will just instead start new.

I need this blog.

I need somewhere to "pen my thoughts to paper" so that I can begin to sort through them. I pray that I can do this with grace and dignity, but many times my thoughts are so jumbled and in so much turmoil, that I can't promise any sort of dignity. I CAN promise that the thoughts here will be very real. They might not be what anyone out there wants to read. We all want the "happily ever after", but this is life, and sometimes we don't get that.

This family is still here literally by the grace of God. I have stopped trying to look ahead, because I could not have foreseen all that would happen here, and I cannot change what WILL happen. Instead I'm working to focus on this moment. Trying to make sense of a life much different than I imagined. To be thankful for the good in each day, and to work through the not so good. We have four kids here, all with maladaptive behaviors that spill out daily. We are working on it, but it exhausts us. I thank God that when one of us "can't" anymore, the other seems to have just the right amount of strength to carry on.

Our faith has been tested beyond anything we could have imagined. Most days I feel like God is in control, but the older I get, the more I question everything I once believed. Getting to church feels like a chore. I am restless and I wonder where we belong. We have kids who also question their faith and who are angry at God or their perception of God. We have learned to live in a place of doubt and to accept that. We walk with them as we battle our own doubts. It is what it is. God is God. That much I am absolutely certain of.

These kids are brave and strong. They are living a life they did not ask for, and they are courageous to try make it into something. Their demons haunt them and many days their fight is brutal. Yet they try. I am fiercely protective of them, knowing all their spirits have endured already. I worry constantly about their souls and I work daily on handing that fear over to God. I know He is able. But there is so much hurt and anger.

I don't even know how to end this. My thoughts are tangled. I am thankful on this Thanksgiving day, to be back here and to write. I think that's all I have for now. While I was silent here, I did have two private blogs. Maybe I'll spend some time today trying to move posts over to here. I think somehow that will help make a continuous timeline in my head and remind me WHY we began all this.

Until later.....

Thursday, April 03, 2014


"My life is a witness to vulgar grace- a grace that amazes as it offends. 
A grace that pays the eager beaver who works all day long the same wages as the grinning drunk who shows up at ten til five. 
A grace that hikes up the robe and runs breakneck towards the prodigal reeking of sin and wraps him up and decides to throw a party no ifs, ands or buts. 
A grace that raises bloodshot eyes to a dying thief’s request- “Please, remember me”- and assures him, “You bet!”
 A grace that is the pleasure of the Father, fleshed out in the carpenter Messiah, Jesus Christ, who left His Father’s side not for heaven’s sake but for our sakes, yours and mine. 
This vulgar grace is indiscriminate compassion.
 It works without asking anything of us. 
It’s not cheap. 
It’s free, and as such will always be a banana peel for the orthodox foot and a fairy tale for the grown up sensibility. 
Grace is sufficient even though we huff and puff with all our might to try to find something or someone it cannot cover. 
Grace is enough. 
He is enough. 
Jesus is enough." 
 Brennan Manning

Sunday, March 16, 2014

What We Wear....

Have a blessed Sunday!

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
 Colossians 3:12 

Monday, March 10, 2014


"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."
1 Peter 3:15


Awkward. :) 

Remember that expression? It was so cool back in the days when my older girls were growing up. I would hear it and think how silly it sounded. 

Well, now it's not so silly to me. 

For months I've pondered which direction I wanted this blog to go. Did I want to continue writing? Do I keep talking about adoption? How do I transition it? Do I talk about homemaking? How about natural healing and living? Trauma? 

I was truly stumped. I hit a block and I couldn't seem to find a way around it. So I didn't write. Not anything. 

For months. 

But you see, that's sort of like cutting my right arm off. ;) God created me with a need to put words on paper. It's the best way I am able to sort through the millions of thoughts that go through my head and heart daily. 

Yesterday before any of the kids woke up, I was siting praying. Talking to God about learning to depend more fully on Him. About letting go of worry and being very deliberate to revel in the now. To not lose track of these 7 amazing kids and to focus on loving them right where they're at. 

My phone was tucked neatly beside me and so without a second thought, I picked it up and typed yesterday's post. My prayer on paper. 

And that's where the confusion began. :) 


I should have realized that when you are raising kids with trauma backgrounds, that if you put the word "fear" in a post, it might just cause a wee bit of confusion and panic by your readers. ;)


I want to clear that up. 

My kids? They are doing well. They are amazing. All of them struggle daily, but loving their hearts is the best job in the world. These kiddos fight their own fears each and every single day. They struggle to manage thoughts that threaten to overwhelm them. They desperately want to be part of this family, and they are still fiercely loyal to their first families. We work through anger. Through sorrow. We rejoice in healing. We learn acceptance. We laugh. :)

And, I still have 3 older girls. The ones who still need their mama, but who are creating these very cool lives with people they love and who support them. I look at them and I think wow. They are not perfect, but they are pretty darn amazing young ladies. I love being their mom. :)

So we blend this family. We teach. We model. We fall down. We get back up and try again. We work at being a family. Unique individuals that are each created in His perfect plan. 

And I pray. 

I pray that I can learn to live in the now. In this very moment. Realizing that the legacy I want to leave is of grace. Of forgiveness. Of compassion. 

So, my prayer? 

It still stands. It's still the person I want to be. 

Dear God,
Help me today to not focus on the "what. If's". Help me to be present in the here and now. Make my words kind and my heart tender. Give me the wisdom to model love. Keep me from a place of fear. 


Sunday, March 09, 2014


Dear God,
Help me today to not focus on the "what. If's". Help me to be present in the here and now. Make my words kind and my heart tender. Give me the wisdom to model love. Keep me from a place of fear. 

Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Merry Christmas!

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 
Isaiah 9:6 

Merry Christmas to your family, from ours!

Isaiah 58:7, “Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wander shelter, when you see the naked to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”