A River...

I don't even know exactly how to start this post or what to say, so I'm just going to start typing and see what spills out.

We are no longer looking at a Christmas homecoming for the kids. When they will come home, is now a shot in the dark. It might be next year, it might not.

We received news today that some work needs to be done on one of the Guatemala side papers that will very likely take many months. If not longer.

To say I am devastated would be an understatement.

I have not cried so hard or so long in years.

I think I got my hopes up too high that this time might be for real.

It appears God has other plans for us.

I'll be honest, I am stretched beyond my human limits this time. I am sad. I am angry. I am seeking answers where there are none. I'm struggling to find the "fairness" in any of this and realizing there is none.

It's a huge, huge blow.

Today I sat in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half. Crying out in raw anguish to God. Spilling all the anger and brokenness that has swallowed up my very soul. Screaming questions to God that have no answers here on earth. God and I have been down this dark road before. He knows that this pain is so deep and so powerful that I can't find Him. He understands and He holds me in spite of the rage that spews out in these moments of utter blackness.

He is my Father.

I have been bent to a new level, but even this will not sever the love I have for my God. I am choosing tonight to trust His ways, even when I feel like I've been pushed deeper into the forest.

There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You In This Storm." The chorus of it goes like this:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

That song really hit home for me tonight. Everything human in my heart is screaming for me to reject this God who seems to have left us all alone, but as I hear those words, once again God grabs hold of my bleeding soul and every fiber of my being cries out tears of praise to Him.

Even in this storm.

And as I fall, bruised and battered, He picks me up and makes me more whole than before. A fire that refines.

These tears? Like a river, they carry away the anger and fill my heart with a peace that comes only from God. Please don't be surprised if I cry them on your shoulder. The pain is so near the surface and these tears bring healing.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9

Broken.

Trusting.

Holding fast.

Believing.

A mustard seed of faith.