Raw...

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

Forgive me if this post is disjointed...

Earlier this afternoon, Rod had me look up a bunch of Bible verses to print that he could take with him on family visitation (he is an elder in our church). Although I knew it would be time consuming, I was still happy to do it. And as I read through verse after verse from scripture, a cooling balm smothered my anxious soul. At one point I exclaimed out loud, "I love the Bible!". The words of my God washed over me as I sorted through them page by page. What started as a job for my hubby, soon became a much needed exercise for me.

We are in a strange and very anxious place here right now.

This morning I found out that the last paperwork we need to submit our case to the Central Authority in Guatemala will be complete this week. Lord willing, early next week our case will be in line as one of the first to start.

Once they have all our paperwork, the CNA (Central Authority) will review our papers to make sure nothing is missing. They will then schedule an empathy study in country. It's basically a homestudy in Guatemala that Rod and I will need to be at. We will have to fly there on very little notice and will have to be there 5-10 days. Ronaldo and Julia will be with us the whole time. After that, they will need to go back to the orphanage and some things will need to be completed on the US side. From that point it will be 2-3 months and our kiddos will be home.

For nearly four long years we have waited.

And now that the moment is again here, I am wrestling with demons I have held at bay for so long.

My stomach is in a thousand knots.

How do I do this again?

Rod is in disbelief.

The kids are coping, each in their own way. Some are refusing to talk about it at all having been devastated before, some are demanding to know every detail, and all are teary. These kids have been very badly hurt by the loss of their brother and sister once before, and they are needing to deal with those feelings within this family. I have told Savanah not to read here at all, as I work through my feelings in these next months. She is not at a point that she can handle any information, so please don't talk with her about things. Not yet.

Truthfully, I too am scared to death.

So many old feelings are surfacing. I need to get a letter written to Ronaldo and Julia explaining what is happening. I've been putting it off for two weeks now. The what-ifs are crowding out my ability to put things into words that need to be said. How do I explain this to them?

I can't hurt them.

The tears rush over me.

I just can't hurt them again.

Now that reality is staring me in the face, I'm finding myself paralyzed. I need to get things ready and can't seem to find a way to focus on any of it. I'm teary and terrified to my very core.

I needed that hour today to soak up scripture. To believe with all my heart that God has this one firmly in His grip and to accept that if by some freak incident the kids again don't come home, that He will get us through that too. The thought of my heart being dismembered from my being is more than I can fathom. I can't come terms with it at all. In a way I want to be completely unknowing. But I don't get that option.

Help me to breathe Lord.

Show us how we will do this, emotionally, physically, and financially.

Help us breathe Lord. And bring us through.

"That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day." 2 Timothy 1:12

Mariposa...

...but the crowds learned about it and followed him. He welcomed them and spoke to them about the kingdom of God, and healed those who needed healing. Luke 9:11

I've had some friends struggle recently with children that they adopted as older children, and I wanted to post today to give hope to all those parents who are 2 weeks, 2 months, 5 months, a year in to their adoptions, and still wondering if their child will heal and still waiting for that child to trust. And I'm posting for the ones wondering quietly, in the deep part of their hearts, if they made a mistake in adopting a child.

A long time ago, I said that someday I would dedicate a post to my sweet Emilee and in that post I called her my little "mariposa". For those of you who don't know, mariposa is Spanish for butterfly. I hope what I write here will bring hope to parents of those children, who struggle deep inside their cocoons.

I'm not sure where to start this post, so I'm going to go back to the beginning.

For those of you who don't know Emilee's story, we accepted her referral the same weekend we lost the referral of Ronaldo and Julia. It was a highly emotional and very trying time for me as a mom. It was just this past weekend, that I was able to see how hard it was for me to love Emilee because of the guilt I felt in not bringing my other two home. I don't think anyone saw it, and I wish I would have had the courage to acknowledge it sooner. She was home before I even began to deal with the grief of losing Ronaldo and Julia.

But God in His perfect timing knew.

My start with Emilee was rough. She came to us very neglected and malnourished and very much a shell of a little girl. She had some very tough survival behaviors that included making repetitive noises, spacing out, turning away from me, clinging, and food issues. Shoving her way in front of her brother to get next to me first. Riding in the car with her for any amount of time was absolutely grating. She could not control her fears as we got in the vehicle and immediately began to make noises.

Honestly, it was very hard for me to attach to her. I've said that before, but I've never said how long this went on. Even up until very, very recently, parts of my heart could not just give themselves to this little girl. That is so humiliating for me to admit, but I want to say it here publicly because praise God, He brings healing even in the darkest parts of our lives.

In spite of me, this little girl continued to heal. She slowly began to blossom and become more joyful. I went through the motions, even feeling some days like she was my daughter, and yet, I wasn't able to get past those last hurdles that kept me from truly and completely allowing Emilee to be my daughter. Worst were the days I'd wonder if she would be better off with someone else. Someone who loved her unconditionally.

Ugly, huh?

Yeah, not exactly the stuff I'm proud to put on here. But something I will write if it brings hope to another family.

It was about a month ago, that I began to pray in earnest. Pray that God would take away this ugly stain in my life that kept me from loving my daughter as she deserved to be loved. I prayed that He would convict my heart and help me each day to give her what she needed.

Two weeks ago, something broke in my heart. Just absolutely shattered. I cried to God for all I had lost. I turned over the brokenness and the anger, and especially the sorrow for Ronaldo and Julia. I thanked God for the two little ones He had chosen to bring into our home and I prayed that my two in Guatemala would understand some day.

He overwhelmed me with His love.

And in an instant, my heart was changed.

That night I hugged and kissed my littlest girl goodnight. I didn't hurry and I didn't do it because I "had to". I wanted to. I began to ask her to help me with things around the house. I began to hold her hand. I began to seek her out.

This past Sunday night we sat in church. It was an unusual night because it was just Rod, me and the two littlest. Emilee was on the outside, next to Rod where she always sits, quietly playing with her couple of toys. Jac was sitting on Rod's lap. I was next to Rod on the other side. And as we sat there, a huge rush of emotion absolutely flooded over me.

I wanted my little girl.

Now.

I wanted to hold her and touch her and hug her. At first I thought, "this is silly" and I tried to ignore those feelings. But those instincts in me to have my baby, were more than I could squash down. I turned to Rod and asked him to see if Emilee wanted to come sit by me.

She peeked around him at me.

The look on her face brought me to tears.

I had asked her to be by me.

Her mommy wanted her.

Desperately.

Fiercely.

I choked back tears.

And I prayed some more. Praying for forgiveness and thanking God for healing.

It's new territory here and it's good.

Each morning I look forward to seeing this little girl. Emilee is a beautiful person. She's quiet and calm and so precious. She has a wonderful laugh and she loves nothing more than to be home. She loves her dolls and coloring books, and she is my little girl. She's such a quirky little peanut and she positively loves life. She's thankful for each little thing and my heart bursts each time I see her. I find myself daily wanting to hug her and be with her.


And each night as I tuck her in, I am completely humbled and brought to tears. I deeply, deeply love this precious girl.

You see, God knows.

He truly knows.

He knew my heart, and He knew that I needed Emilee to heal it. He knew that it would be a hard and painful road to get here, but He knew that we needed each other. She needed a mommy, and I needed this daughter.

And so that devastating day back in March, 2006, He put on our agency's website, the picture of a little waif of a child. And He prompted mine to respond despite my grief.

Please, never lose hope.

The most painful thing you face today, might just become your biggest blessing tomorrow.

In Him...