Ok....

I have certainly felt your prayers these last few days. I had a couple of good hard cries, a lot of ranting to Heaven, and some down time on my knees.

It's been good. :)

I'm in an ok place again. Realizing (and accepting) that we are in for another rough and bumpy ride to try bring these kids home. I've done this before, and I can do it again. God has not left our sides and He will not leave us. Ever. There are times I feel myself grasping for His hand, but it is never Him who has let go.

Specifically?

We are waiting for the city where the kids were born, to release their amended birth certificates to the central processing unit in Guatemala City. The processing unit (called RENAP) only accepts new certificates on Tuesdays, so please pray that it won't be too many Tuesdays until we hear that the certificates are there. We have excellent people on our team and they are doing what they can to make this adoption move forward.

In the meantime, we wait.

Your verses and thoughts of encouragement bring us around each time, and we know that His will IS being done. Men will always continue to do evil, but GOD is in control.

"You have shaken the land and torn it open;
mend its fractures, for it is quaking.

You have shown your people desperate times;
you have given us wine that makes us stagger.

But for those who fear you, you have raised a banner
to be unfurled against the bow.
Selah" Psalm 60:2-4

I've decided to take this time to rebuild a relationship with my two Guatlings. I am writing them again, and through those letters, reminding them always that someone loves them and cares about the "little" things in their lives. It's good.

We continue to be a family here and that is a true blessing from God.

I leave you with some random cuteness. Just because I can :) ...




Well...never had this one happen. Blogger is being a putz and won't let me load more pictures.

Shoot.

Well anyway, I'm still praising God for ALL my children. :)

...

"You have fed them with the bread of tears;
you have made them drink tears by the bowlful."
Psalm 80:5

I'm struggling here.

There are days I can't make sense of this journey anymore.

I just want my kids to come home and I'm struggling to see how this is "good".

Sigh.

I believe God's hand is in all this, but I don't understand. I trust, but that trust brings me to the depths of despair. I find myself in tears. Daily.

I thank God for the family I have here in this home. They are keeping me afloat. It's the nights that get me. My thoughts come rushing in when I lay down to sleep. I pray as much as I am able, but even that is hard. Your prayers are very much appreciated.

I am clinging to what I believe about God.

"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life." Psalm 119:50

I just want my kids to come home.

An update...of sorts...

Well, the news on the adoption front is that we're still waiting. :) The last piece of paperwork they needed in Guatemala to submit our case, still isn't there. Once again I think we're in this for the long haul. If there is any good in this, it's that it's giving me time to begin to wrap my heart around this. The panic I felt earlier is gone, and instead I'm just apprehensive and very happy. I feel like I've gone through too much to go into this blindly, so I think I'm expecting the worst as far as attachment, and hoping for better than that. These two have been through too much, and I know that we will need to deal with the fallout from that. It's just reality.

I'm not naive anymore either. Becoming part of a family is tough work, both for the kiddos and for the parents, and a part of me is starting to dig in my heels for the long haul. :)

But...

I've also found myself dreaming a bit again. Letting my heart begin to thaw bit by bit.

For so long I completely put the kids out of my mind. I literally only thought of them in fleeting moments, because I couldn't let my heart be hurt that badly again. Now, I'll think of them (and their hopeful future here) at times off and on throughout every day.

I'll be making supper and I wonder how they will feel about having food available anytime they want.

How it will feel for them to never be hungry.

I'll be in W*l-mart and I'll wonder what it will be like for them when they set foot in that store.

How it will feel for them to see the excess.

I tuck my little two in at night. I talk to my older girls. And I wonder what it will be like for R and J to know that they really do have a mommy and daddy who care about them.

How long it will take for them to truly accept that. And how I will feel if they can't accept that.

So much to think about and ponder. I find myself drifting in my own thoughts more and more lately. Trying to prepare for this "birth" and wondering. Knowing I can't truly be prepared, and thanking God for the two He sent before to pave the way.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

And because I need to share... :)

Jac and Emilee have become the best of friends and some days I think my heart will burst with the love I have for them. :) Yesterday Jac woke up and asked for Emilee. And she doesn't do much anymore without asking for him. They're quite the pair and they keep me laughing every day. I can't imagine loving them more.


And the other girls? They're busy and keep me humble. Nothing brings you to your knees like teenagers. I love this age just as much as I loved rocking them as babies.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Not a one of these kids are perfect. Not even close. They all carry baggage and scars in them that make them uniquely who they are, but I look at my crazy little family and it makes me want R and J here even more. We will never be the perfect family, but I am brought to tears when I realize just how amazing it is that God knit us so beautifully together.

God is so good...