Wating Game...

~August, 2005~our first visit to Ronaldo and Julia~

Some of you have asked what is left in the process to bring Ronaldo and Julia home. Because we are considered a transition case, this process is unique to cases like ours that are going through the CNA. As far as I know, this is not a process that will be continued if and when Guatemala ever re-opens. This is only to grandfather in the transition cases.

The Empathy Study in Guatemala is obviously our next step. While we are in Guatemala, the CNA will sign over custody of the kids to us. We will actually be considered their legal guardians and representatives. We will be able to be out and about with the kids as much or as little as we want. They will be staying with us for a week, while a social worker from the CNA comes out and does a couple of visits. This is very similar to a homestudy here in the US.

After the week is up, we could legally stay in Guatemala for the remainder of the process, and have the children with us. That's not really feasible for us though, as we have these 5 here at home who need us. :) Instead, Ronaldo and Julia will go back to the orphanage. That one is going to be especially hard on me. The only difference this time, is that I know this is the last time I will say good-bye (Lord willing!!).

Once the social worker writes up her report, the CNA will give a final review to the case and sign it. It will then go to Family Court, where they will review and sign it. After Family Court, all that is left is the US side stuff. This includes something similar to the old Pre-approval, Embassy medicals, new birth certificates in our names, passports, and visas.

The whole process is going to be about 5 or 6 months, give or take. We all know that things can and do go awry and we are trying to prepare our hearts for that. The main difference, is that the CNA has no desire to NOT match these kids with the families who have been waiting for them. That is very much different. They have the option to match them with a Guatemalan family, but realistically, they won't because they desire to see these kids with the families who have loved and fought for them.

I hope this answers some questions. I think I have this correct, but if I don't I'll correct it as I find out. :)

So there isn't a whole lot left to actually complete, just a whole lot of waiting for people to do their thing. It's a different wait in my head right now. It's a feeling of finally realizing these kids are coming home, and feeling like 5 or 6 months isn't a very long time after all.

It's a good, good feeling. :)

A Hundred Miles An Hour...

O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.

You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Psalm 139:1-6

My nerves are shot. Things are suddenly moving again in our case, and last night was a night of little sleep for me.

On Thursday we found out that the kids' corrected birth certificates had been received and had been added to our case file the day before. This means that now our file is complete with all the corrected documents. Our lawyer asked on Thursday about scheduling the Empathy Study in Guatemala, but the Central Authority asked him to check back the middle of next week. It could be as short as a couple of day from then that we go, or it could be as long as a few weeks. Or, if there is a problem with a different one of our papers, we might be set back months. I feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff, looking down at my campsite below. So close I can see it, but so far I feel like I'm never going to get there.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

Yesterday the orphanage personnel told the kids what is going on. They hadn't before, not wanting the kids to be devastated again. Now they felt it was time to fill them in on the truth. I am waiting on pins and needles to hear how that went and my mind was in overdrive last night, wondering how they took the news. Are they scared? Excited? Worried? Angry? All of the above?

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I suddenly feel like I'm switching to my "heading to Guatemala" mode. I'm processing the hundreds of things I need to do before we leave, and mentally packing for two kids who will be living with us for a week. Crayons, soccer ball, Barbie, hand-held games, books, puzzles, snacks, drinks...wondering what size clothes they now wear and where to go to quickly and cheaply buy so many clothes. Wondering what we will do to entertain them for a week and if the language barrier is going to be very hard for that week. Wondering how they will feel knowing they can eat as much as they need to for a week, then knowing that have to go back to the orphanage for a few months. Wondering how homesick they will get for the orphanage. And more than anything, dreading the good-bye I know is coming.

Again.

Prayerfully the last good-bye ever, but nevertheless, one where I know they will go back to a place that is hard.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I'M A MESS.

MY NERVES ARE SHOT.

MY BRAIN IS GOING A HUNDRED MILES AN HOUR.

I finding myself praying, but in broken sentences, completely distracted. I know God understands that all I can do is pray in little blurbs right now. Crazy little things. An all day (and night) conversation with my Father.

Whew...

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

I can't wait to hold my kids again.

Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

Psalm 139:23-24

My Sweet Baby....

This little sweetie celebrated her 6th birthday last week. We had her first "real" party, a princess party complete with lots of pink and and lots of bling. :)









So many thoughts went through my head as I watched my littlest daughter that day. I cannot believe how far this precious girl has come. She knew when she was getting overwhelmed and she would either cuddle on my lap, or sit quietly by herself for a bit. So different from her birthday two years ago and her birthday last year.


I am so proud of her and so in love with the amazing little girl she is.

Sleepless...

Here's where we stand as of this week. The Central Authority was willing to accept our file with photocopies of the kids' birth certificates and our file has been submitted as "complete". According to our people in Guatemala, the CNA is reviewing our file and we have been in communication with the CNA about our empathy study. We are praying it will be this month yet, but as we know full well by now, anything can go "wrong" at any time.

How am I doing?

Pretty much a basket case right now. :P

The crazy thing is, I've been in this exact place of nerves so many times, and yet it all feels brand new all over again. Those fluttery feelings...when you find out you're expecting a baby, when you get that referral call, when you see those first ultrasound pictures, when you get a travel call. The worry, the excitement, the fear that at any minute something could go very wrong that would potentially change everything.

Again.

Whew.

Please keep praying. I feel like my brains are completely fried right now.

And if you have a minute, please add to your prayers my dear friend, "M". "M"'s case has been a battle from the start. She has been key in helping me with my case, while at the same time fighting for her own little one. She has been an amazing friend and ally to me, and she could desperately use some prayers right now.

And just because, :) here are the two kiddos who wiggle their way into my thoughts a million times a day. Whose faces haunt me in many conversations with my Father as I walk through another round of sleepless nights.

Mommy loves you guys.

God knows their hearts and He knows mine.

He knows.

He knows.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
Psalm 35:5

Seeing...

Sometimes it's good to look back.

One year ago today, I wrote this post. That day is forever burned in my mind as not only the single most humiliating and humbling experience of my life, but today also as a springboard of deep hope for all parents parenting children struggling with attachment difficulties. June 8, 2008 left purple stains across both my arms and the deep purple bruise of embarrassment across my heart. June 8, 2009 finds my heart saturated with a love that goes deeper than any bruise of the skin.

Today one little guy is so completely engraved into the fabric of our hearts, that my body often forgets it did not birth this child. We women often talk in this house, about how lucky Jac's wife will be some day. This little boy who's tender heart spills love to everyone around him. Jac, who if he sees his sisters crying or even just laying on the floor, will come over to them and gently rub their backs. The little guy who tells Emilee daily, "I love you Emilee" (much to her dismay :)). My sweet baby boy who comes out of bed each morning and caresses me with his cold, soft, little black hands and says, "I love you mommy" in his sleepy, sweet boy voice.

I could not possibly love this little guy one millimeter more, and I look back on those days one year ago and find it hard to even fathom that this is the same child. I know now without a doubt, that Jac's fears were bigger than he could put into words and that a tender touch is always the best way to deal with his fear. But then? We were just beginning this life together. Learning how, without road signs, to navigate a path that neither of us had traveled before.

Praise God for healing.

Praise God for His love, that washes away the muddy tracks of a multitude of missteps and ventures off the road.

Every day I look at my son and I am overcome by a rush of emotions. I believe with all my heart that adoption should never have to happen. But in a world broken and beaten by evil things that happen to good people, I thank God that He blesses adoption. I thank God every day that He chose to us to be this child's family.

And so today, June 8, 2009, I sit here with tears flowing down my face, one year wiser.

One year humbler.

Today I fall to my knees as a sweeping ocean of mother love washes over me.

Jac Stevan I. Am. Blessed. to be your mommy.

Renald....

“Let my heart be broken for the things that break the heart of God” Dr. Bob Pierce, Founder of World Vision.

Rest....

Sorry about the lack of updates here! :) One year ago we made plans to take a vacation the first week of June, 2009. Little did we know the curve balls life would throw at us as those plans came nearer. Two weeks ago, we debated whether or not to follow through with this vacation, but having paid for it a year in advance we decided it might be just what we needed. So we took some much needed rest away from life and spent days enjoying family here...

Doing some of this....

and this...

bonding....

loving...

and having a great time.

In the middle of all the fun, Rod had surgery to repair his thumb. It went well, but he's laid up for a few weeks recovering, and then therapy. This morning he's trying to work for a bit. I imagine he'll be home shortly here. He's not used to not being able to do things himself and has spent a lot of time worrying and even more time in prayer. He's carrying a huge burden right now regarding finances and he's working very hard to leave this one in God's hands.

Ashtyn is off crutches and struggling to find what she can and can't do. She tried running while we were gone, but ended up like this...


Nothing to report on Ronaldo and Julia. :( I'm frustrated and sad. It was one year ago in July that we began to try put things in order again to try bring them home. I've gotten very good (maybe it's not good) about compartmentalizing that part of my life. The first few years of our adoption, I spent many, many days worrying and crying about the kids. Now it's not that I don't think about them, but I've realized that I need to focus on the five I do have home. It's not at all fair to these five, for their mom to be "lost" thinking about the two not yet here. Horrible? Maybe, but I think it's how I've learned to survive this. While I can't do anything to move Ronaldo and Julia's case along, I can be mom to these kiddos at home.

I don't really know how to end this, so I'll just ask for prayers. Prayers for Ronaldo and Julia as they wait. Prayers for God to keep His hand on our paperwork. Prayers for Rod's hand to heal so that he will be able to work again and prayers for his heart as he carries the burden of supporting this family. Prayers that God will continue to guide and lead us as we walk the path of His choosing.

And even though we will likely never meet most of you this side of Heaven, know that I have a hug reserved for each one of you as we cross those gates into the presence of our Mighty God. That is, if I can find you through my tears. :) You have been and continue be such a blessing to our family. Thank-you from the bottom of our hearts.