DO. NOT. TURN. YOUR. BACK.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Emerald Green and Sapphire Blue...
Yesterday we traveled to go camping with our family. I cried the whole time packing, but knew without a doubt that this was something I desperately needed.
Mid-afternoon, the lake was hit with a torrential downpour. When the rain ceased, a brilliant sun peeked through dark clouds and the lake sparkled. Something very powerful drew me to take a walk around the lake, through wet grass and puddles of mud.
I needed to talk with my Father.
As I began walking, my fears and tears again poured out. Torrents of sorrow, rushing to the Throne. I was doing a lot of talking, but very little listening. God didn't say anything, but as I entered the part of the trail that went around the lake, I could feel the soothing balm of His love wash gently over my battered heart.
My rantings became more and more quiet as all around me His creation began to draw me in. I slowed, amazed by the tiny raindrops as they sat in perfect lines across bright green leaves. I listened to the birds, singing loudly and watched them loudly shaking the wetness from their feathers. I was in awe, seeing the intricacies of each perfectly formed flower and each tiny blade of grass. I laughed at the bullfrog that hit my foot as it protested loudly at me for interrupting its busy work after the storm.
The lake was crystal clear and in it's reflection, I saw both black clouds and brilliant sun. It was one of those storms where when it's rolled through, the greens shine a stunning emerald and the blues appear as sapphire.
I stopped and just looked around me.
God had done all this.
All of it.
With one word from His mouth, all that I saw in my vision had been created.
In that moment, I was completely awestruck and humbled by His greatness.
And I felt my faith at a true crossroads.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*
God had chosen to create all this.
God had chosen not to intervene and cause a miracle to bring our children home on our timeline.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*
I knew in that moment that without a doubt, God could choose to cause something to occur in Guatemala to bring our children home.
He has not.
I looked at His creation.
What an awesome, awesome God.
As surely as He's able to create all this, He's more than able to bring about a miracle in our adoption. He has not at this time. But because of the powerful testimony of His creation, I chose in that very second, to trust His wisdom in bringing our children home. He is all knowing.
All. Knowing.
He is unfathomable, and He is MY GOD.
I can trust Him to carry us through.
In an instant He breathed all of creation .
I can trust Him.
I can't see it, but I don't need to.
I can trust Him.
To not only bring beauty from the ugliness of the storm, but to make it more brilliant than I can even imagine in the midst of this downpour.
This is my God.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Psalm 107:28-30
Mid-afternoon, the lake was hit with a torrential downpour. When the rain ceased, a brilliant sun peeked through dark clouds and the lake sparkled. Something very powerful drew me to take a walk around the lake, through wet grass and puddles of mud.
I needed to talk with my Father.
As I began walking, my fears and tears again poured out. Torrents of sorrow, rushing to the Throne. I was doing a lot of talking, but very little listening. God didn't say anything, but as I entered the part of the trail that went around the lake, I could feel the soothing balm of His love wash gently over my battered heart.
My rantings became more and more quiet as all around me His creation began to draw me in. I slowed, amazed by the tiny raindrops as they sat in perfect lines across bright green leaves. I listened to the birds, singing loudly and watched them loudly shaking the wetness from their feathers. I was in awe, seeing the intricacies of each perfectly formed flower and each tiny blade of grass. I laughed at the bullfrog that hit my foot as it protested loudly at me for interrupting its busy work after the storm.
The lake was crystal clear and in it's reflection, I saw both black clouds and brilliant sun. It was one of those storms where when it's rolled through, the greens shine a stunning emerald and the blues appear as sapphire.
I stopped and just looked around me.
God had done all this.
All of it.
With one word from His mouth, all that I saw in my vision had been created.
In that moment, I was completely awestruck and humbled by His greatness.
And I felt my faith at a true crossroads.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*
God had chosen to create all this.
God had chosen not to intervene and cause a miracle to bring our children home on our timeline.
*~~*~~*~~*~~*
I knew in that moment that without a doubt, God could choose to cause something to occur in Guatemala to bring our children home.
He has not.
I looked at His creation.
What an awesome, awesome God.
As surely as He's able to create all this, He's more than able to bring about a miracle in our adoption. He has not at this time. But because of the powerful testimony of His creation, I chose in that very second, to trust His wisdom in bringing our children home. He is all knowing.
All. Knowing.
He is unfathomable, and He is MY GOD.
I can trust Him to carry us through.
In an instant He breathed all of creation .
I can trust Him.
I can't see it, but I don't need to.
I can trust Him.
To not only bring beauty from the ugliness of the storm, but to make it more brilliant than I can even imagine in the midst of this downpour.
This is my God.
Then they cried out to the LORD in their trouble,
and he brought them out of their distress.
He stilled the storm to a whisper;
the waves of the sea were hushed.
They were glad when it grew calm,
and he guided them to their desired haven.
Psalm 107:28-30
Monday, July 13, 2009
A River...
I don't even know exactly how to start this post or what to say, so I'm just going to start typing and see what spills out.
We are no longer looking at a Christmas homecoming for the kids. When they will come home, is now a shot in the dark. It might be next year, it might not.
We received news today that some work needs to be done on one of the Guatemala side papers that will very likely take many months. If not longer.
To say I am devastated would be an understatement.
I have not cried so hard or so long in years.
I think I got my hopes up too high that this time might be for real.
It appears God has other plans for us.
I'll be honest, I am stretched beyond my human limits this time. I am sad. I am angry. I am seeking answers where there are none. I'm struggling to find the "fairness" in any of this and realizing there is none.
It's a huge, huge blow.
Today I sat in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half. Crying out in raw anguish to God. Spilling all the anger and brokenness that has swallowed up my very soul. Screaming questions to God that have no answers here on earth. God and I have been down this dark road before. He knows that this pain is so deep and so powerful that I can't find Him. He understands and He holds me in spite of the rage that spews out in these moments of utter blackness.
He is my Father.
I have been bent to a new level, but even this will not sever the love I have for my God. I am choosing tonight to trust His ways, even when I feel like I've been pushed deeper into the forest.
There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You In This Storm." The chorus of it goes like this:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
That song really hit home for me tonight. Everything human in my heart is screaming for me to reject this God who seems to have left us all alone, but as I hear those words, once again God grabs hold of my bleeding soul and every fiber of my being cries out tears of praise to Him.
Even in this storm.
And as I fall, bruised and battered, He picks me up and makes me more whole than before. A fire that refines.
These tears? Like a river, they carry away the anger and fill my heart with a peace that comes only from God. Please don't be surprised if I cry them on your shoulder. The pain is so near the surface and these tears bring healing.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
Broken.
Trusting.
Holding fast.
Believing.
A mustard seed of faith.
We are no longer looking at a Christmas homecoming for the kids. When they will come home, is now a shot in the dark. It might be next year, it might not.
We received news today that some work needs to be done on one of the Guatemala side papers that will very likely take many months. If not longer.
To say I am devastated would be an understatement.
I have not cried so hard or so long in years.
I think I got my hopes up too high that this time might be for real.
It appears God has other plans for us.
I'll be honest, I am stretched beyond my human limits this time. I am sad. I am angry. I am seeking answers where there are none. I'm struggling to find the "fairness" in any of this and realizing there is none.
It's a huge, huge blow.
Today I sat in the bathroom with the door locked for an hour and a half. Crying out in raw anguish to God. Spilling all the anger and brokenness that has swallowed up my very soul. Screaming questions to God that have no answers here on earth. God and I have been down this dark road before. He knows that this pain is so deep and so powerful that I can't find Him. He understands and He holds me in spite of the rage that spews out in these moments of utter blackness.
He is my Father.
I have been bent to a new level, but even this will not sever the love I have for my God. I am choosing tonight to trust His ways, even when I feel like I've been pushed deeper into the forest.
There is a song by Casting Crowns called "Praise You In This Storm." The chorus of it goes like this:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
That song really hit home for me tonight. Everything human in my heart is screaming for me to reject this God who seems to have left us all alone, but as I hear those words, once again God grabs hold of my bleeding soul and every fiber of my being cries out tears of praise to Him.
Even in this storm.
And as I fall, bruised and battered, He picks me up and makes me more whole than before. A fire that refines.
These tears? Like a river, they carry away the anger and fill my heart with a peace that comes only from God. Please don't be surprised if I cry them on your shoulder. The pain is so near the surface and these tears bring healing.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9
Broken.
Trusting.
Holding fast.
Believing.
A mustard seed of faith.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
....
Tonight my heart is heavy for a precious family. Friends of ours...very special friends of ours...are fighting a terrible battle. Their wife and mother suffered a massive cerebral aneurysm this past week.
JoEllen is a special person to my daughter Ashtyn. Ashtyn had to leave on a mission trip to Washington DC on Friday. Our only communication is through the youth group leader. It is a time that is ripping my heart out. Knowing the special situation my daughter is in. And knowing that at a moment's notice, we might need to fly her back home.
We have spent days in tears and on our knees.
Tonight JoEllen lies in critical condition, having undergone a third surgery to attempt to decrease the pressure in her brain.
Our prayers are constant.
Breathing moment to moment as we cling to every word from this family.
A community on their knees.
Life is so precious.
My whole perspective has shifted.
Please pray.
JoEllen is a special person to my daughter Ashtyn. Ashtyn had to leave on a mission trip to Washington DC on Friday. Our only communication is through the youth group leader. It is a time that is ripping my heart out. Knowing the special situation my daughter is in. And knowing that at a moment's notice, we might need to fly her back home.
We have spent days in tears and on our knees.
Tonight JoEllen lies in critical condition, having undergone a third surgery to attempt to decrease the pressure in her brain.
Our prayers are constant.
Breathing moment to moment as we cling to every word from this family.
A community on their knees.
Life is so precious.
My whole perspective has shifted.
Please pray.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Reality...
I found this on another blog and it was certainly something I needed to hear today.
We continue the wait and continue the struggle in our hearts...
Tom Skinner of the Washington Redskins said, "I spent a long time trying to come to grips with my doubts when suddenly I realized I had better come to grips with what I believe. I have since moved from the agony of questions that I cannot answer to the reality of answers that I cannot escape. And its a great relief."
We continue the wait and continue the struggle in our hearts...
Saturday, July 04, 2009
...
What a week it's been.
Wednesday was spent anxiously waiting any news from Guatemala. Emailing those who hold the answers.
Nothing.
Thursday was more of the same, with more emails sent to try confirm any details.
Again nothing.
After a restless night Wednesday, and shedding lots of tears on Thursday, Friday was spent making phone calls and sending a flurry of emails to people in Guatemala. Determination replaced the tears.
Here is what we know. And what we don't.
Our case is complete, but has not been reviewed. The people in power have asked that it be reviewed by this coming Wednesday so that plans can be made to either correct any paperwork that needs correcting, or that the Empathy Study can be scheduled. Next week will be spent waiting to hear if the contacts have been made where they needed to be made, and if our case has been reviewed.
Another week of waiting and praying for answers.
We don't know how Ronaldo and Julia took the news of the adoption. That one bears heavily on me.
I don't particularly like this way of living. I don't like that the computer and the phone control so much of my daily life. I need to sit right here "just in case", but at the same time, life keeps going. I don't like wishing my life away, hoping to get to the next day and praying that it will bring news. It exhausts me, mentally and spiritually.
Round 30 of this boxing match.
I'm tired of my heart being split between two countries.
I just want my babies.
Here.
All together.
I'm struggling with the weariness. I've been on this road for too long. I'm ready for the next part of the journey.
Here is a beautiful poem, written by my cousin's daughter. She wrote it for her grandpa who was just diagnosed with cancer. However, the words of it hit me square between the eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I continue to draw comfort and hope from it. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you...
Wednesday was spent anxiously waiting any news from Guatemala. Emailing those who hold the answers.
Nothing.
Thursday was more of the same, with more emails sent to try confirm any details.
Again nothing.
After a restless night Wednesday, and shedding lots of tears on Thursday, Friday was spent making phone calls and sending a flurry of emails to people in Guatemala. Determination replaced the tears.
Here is what we know. And what we don't.
Our case is complete, but has not been reviewed. The people in power have asked that it be reviewed by this coming Wednesday so that plans can be made to either correct any paperwork that needs correcting, or that the Empathy Study can be scheduled. Next week will be spent waiting to hear if the contacts have been made where they needed to be made, and if our case has been reviewed.
Another week of waiting and praying for answers.
We don't know how Ronaldo and Julia took the news of the adoption. That one bears heavily on me.
I don't particularly like this way of living. I don't like that the computer and the phone control so much of my daily life. I need to sit right here "just in case", but at the same time, life keeps going. I don't like wishing my life away, hoping to get to the next day and praying that it will bring news. It exhausts me, mentally and spiritually.
Round 30 of this boxing match.
I'm tired of my heart being split between two countries.
I just want my babies.
Here.
All together.
I'm struggling with the weariness. I've been on this road for too long. I'm ready for the next part of the journey.
Here is a beautiful poem, written by my cousin's daughter. She wrote it for her grandpa who was just diagnosed with cancer. However, the words of it hit me square between the eyes. It was exactly what I needed to hear and I continue to draw comfort and hope from it. With her permission, I'm sharing it with you...
By Kori Nieuwsma
June 28, 2009
God’s timing may not seem optimal in our eyes
Untimely things may occur such as car accidents or cancer
Abilities may be lost and the best may be behind
No matter the situation or diagnosis God is in control
He is a masterful planner who can see the whole picture
His angels are at work all around
Their efforts can be seen in a caring acquaintance, simple note or a loving family
God’s compassion is not limited he uses all creation for his glory
Our job is simply enjoy the beautiful things and be good stewards with what he has given us
The greatest gift he gave was his son to cleanse the impurities of this world
Beyond this gift, the earthly treasures never cease
God has blessed each with simple things like kind words, supportive family and great outdoors to explore
These gifts are our tools to combat the difficulties that seem unbearable
No matter how high the mountain or challenging the situation God has everything under control
The immediate situation may be hard but think from God’s perspective
How can you use that challenge to bring him glory?
Who can you bless through each day?
Take time to notice the sweet, simple moments of everyday
Give your loved one an extra hug, kiss and I love you
Slow down and notice the beautiful world that surrounds us
Spend a moment to help someone out
Be an angel and bless someone else
In our day it seems like a little thing
But in God’s great plan it may make a world of difference
June 28, 2009
God’s timing may not seem optimal in our eyes
Untimely things may occur such as car accidents or cancer
Abilities may be lost and the best may be behind
No matter the situation or diagnosis God is in control
He is a masterful planner who can see the whole picture
His angels are at work all around
Their efforts can be seen in a caring acquaintance, simple note or a loving family
God’s compassion is not limited he uses all creation for his glory
Our job is simply enjoy the beautiful things and be good stewards with what he has given us
The greatest gift he gave was his son to cleanse the impurities of this world
Beyond this gift, the earthly treasures never cease
God has blessed each with simple things like kind words, supportive family and great outdoors to explore
These gifts are our tools to combat the difficulties that seem unbearable
No matter how high the mountain or challenging the situation God has everything under control
The immediate situation may be hard but think from God’s perspective
How can you use that challenge to bring him glory?
Who can you bless through each day?
Take time to notice the sweet, simple moments of everyday
Give your loved one an extra hug, kiss and I love you
Slow down and notice the beautiful world that surrounds us
Spend a moment to help someone out
Be an angel and bless someone else
In our day it seems like a little thing
But in God’s great plan it may make a world of difference
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