Sifted...

From September through December are tough months for me. Every year as the harvest begins, I hope and I pray that this year will be different. Unfortunately it never is.

You see, it was on September 19, 2005 that we were told that the kids would be home for Christmas. As I watched the harvest that year, I was filled with joy knowing that next year my new little ones would be thrilled to see those machines moving through the fields. It was a season of joy.

October was spent preparing for our newest arrivals. It was in the middle of October that we began to wonder what was taking so long.

Early November shattered our worlds.

Christmas was a blur of tears. Not only for me, but for my family and my extended family, as those two places remained empty at the table. Christmas service was spent in the church bathroom sobbing.

*~~*~~*~~*~~*

The years go on. Each spring I think that maybe this will be the year that my children in Guatemala will see the harvest. This year especially I had hope. Hope that by harvest we would be nearly finished and that surely this Christmas would spent with our family complete.

It is not to be.

Another year of machinery harvesting the corn and beans.

Another year of tears, of questions with no answers, of fighting through anger and sorrow and sadness that seep into my very soul.

This year has been different though. This year I was the most angry at God that I have ever been. Maybe because the dream was so close, only to be snatched so cruelly away. This last month, I have been so angry at God that I questioned the reality of my faith like I never have before. The words were coming out my mouth, but the belief behind them was absent.

What good was a God who never seemed to care?

Why should I waste my time praising this God?

Was God weak?

Does God ever even listen?

The month of September was spent in church services that rocked me to my core at a time when I needed it most. A service on unanswered prayer that sent me scurrying out the door to cry in the safety of my van. A service on the power of God to answer prayer that left me questioning my questions.

And then last night.

A service given by our missionary in the Ukraine, spoken in Russian, translated by another pastor. A Ukrainian Christian, uttering the very questions and fears that assaulted my soul.

"What is God doing?"

"Does God care?"

And then this passage...

"Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." Luke 22:31-32

Jesus, praying for the faith of his precious child.

It took my breath away.

God, screaming at me through all the questions, through all the tears, through all the anger, "I AM HERE. GRAB HOLD OF ME. I AM HERE."

The pain is still deep. Old scars are still torn and bleeding. I am still bruised, tattered, and tearful. The anger is not gone, but swallowing up my unbelief are the precious words of God telling me, I AM HERE.

MY HEART CRIES OUT IN PRAISE OF THE GOD WHO PRAYS.

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Thank-you to all those who gave their lives to protect our freedoms!

Thank-you to all the families who continue to sacrifice as their loved ones serve our country!

You are never forgotten!

**I will be back to blogging soon! Sorry for the little lapse in posts... :)

Jac-Love...

THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU! THANK-YOU!

I could hug you all!

You've all given me so much to think about. :) The comments and the emails were very helpful to me.

The funny thing is, this doctor and I get along very well. He is smart, but has a bit of an ego. ;) Just to throw a little more background into things and to help you all understand things a bit better, before I was a stay at home mom I was a nurse. We live in a small town and I worked in the ER. This doctor and I worked together for years before I quit my job. We got along very well and loved to debate each other. I am not afraid to speak my mind with him and I generally like talking to him.

Last year when he asked about testing for HIV, we got into it a little bit. At that time, I asked him point blank what the possibility was that Jac would sero-convert from a known negative to a new positive. I asked him why he wanted to test Jac, when everything showed that a negative test did not become positive without some new exposure to the disease. He said he didn't know and went to check his literature and look on the internet. He came back saying that it had not ever happened according to the things he had read, but that he wanted to check Jac anyway. Yeah, it never happened. That's why this year he went straight to calls. ;) He knew I knew what I was talking about too.

Jac has never showed any symptoms (the doctor even admitted this) of any disease. He is in the 90th percentile for both height and weight and is growing well. They tested him for everything when he first came home, and all those tests came back fine. I think it's just this one test we can't get past.

After listening to all of you and taking everything to heart, I am actually leaning towards having him tested. You all gave me some good thoughts. I don't want this to cause differences down the road. I think to have him tested in the US (not only for this doctor, but for future doctors he might encounter) and to have it in writing in his records might be a good thing.

Thanks to ALL of you for helping me to see this with "fresh eyes". Sometimes you are too close to a situation to see it objectively anymore and I knew I needed to gain some perspective on this. You all helped me do that. And Laurie, interestingly enough, Jac was never tested here for sickle cell or the sickle cell trait. I think I need to look into that one. I can't remember if they did that at his creche?

As a way to thank-you, I'm ending this post with a little bit of Jac-Love. Yeah, he's a super-model in his head...hahaha!! Enjoy! :)