Those seem to be the questions right now.
The problem is, I don't know how to answer any of them. I'm not in a good place emotionally, so any answer I give is going to be awfully jaded.
I left my kids a thousand miles away.
I put them in a car, and I walked away.
The guilt of that is overwhelming. Both were angry. Both have become ambivalent. They have lost hope that they will ever come home. That has always been my worst fear, and now we are facing the reality of it head-on.
I have many more questions than answers right now.
These are the times I struggle deeply to understand God and His plan.
To truly trust that He is in control and that He knows what He's doing.
Times when my heart wrestles to believe what my eyes can't see.
I wonder if I am doing something wrong. Not praying enough. Not asking for the right things. Is something in my faith amiss? Have I not grown enough? Is God angry at me? I know it doesn't make any sense. I've got all the "good Christian" answers down pat and memorized. But in this place, right now today, I wonder. And I struggle.
Why, why, why...
"Then why did you go? Why do you do this to yourself?"
Sigh.
I can't not go. How would that be any better? If I go or don't go, my kids are still there and not here. Closing my eyes to it doesn't make the reality of that wrong go away. They deserve to know we care. Even if it means that each time the bruise in my soul grows. Because in the end, it's not about me or my feelings. It's about them. They are our kids and we love them as deeply as the kids in our home.
So for today, please pray for my kids' hearts. Pray that God will keep them solidly in His grip.
And pray that God brings them home.
Soon.
8 Thoughts From My Readers:
Dawn, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this!! Just remember God loves those two little ones way more than you do. Jeremiah says he has a plan, and we have to believe that~~~ I am praying for you!!!
Love, Debbie
Hugs and prayers.
I don't know what to say. I just ache for the children, for you. We continue to pray. I only have an inkling of what you must be going through. Hugs....
You're so brave to share --to talk with people. I get it. And I wouldn't be half as strong as you. I'd find a bottle and sink into some hole, but what is hard to communicate is this: there is only one path. You can't give up, you can't NOT go, but then you do HAVE to leave (because of hardened hearts of a few important people), and so all you do is walk that path. I'm just so heartbroken for you that God has not YET parted the river waters to let you walk across. I do believe it is not over. There is something in me that just knows you and Em -- this is not the end. Not yet.
Each day when I pray for Em, I pray for you guys too -- for your sweet babies to hold on, -- for your sanity and strength.
And let me say that you do not need to listen to Job's comforters in your ears and heart -- this is not about you. It's bigger. Something about this is big. I don't know if it's God breaking down one man, or one country, but none of this because of you. And none of this is your fault. If anything, I would imagine it's more like Mary -- like maybe God knew there was something about you that would be tough enough to endure what no one else could.
I'm glad you went down there. And my prayer is for one man's heart to break, or that God harden his heart like Pharoah and break the river open into something miraculous. That's my prayer.
Love you.
Call anytime.
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My heart breaks for the kids. I know what kind of baggage my kids have from living in the orphanage for 4 years & it is just so cruel for your kids to be stuck there alone while their family waits. I am sure they will always struggle with abandonment issues as this is just so hard for children / anyone to understand.
Stay strong & you have to keep going back for as long as it takes. Hugs
I am so, so sorry and I am still praying.
Praying with you and for you. I can empathize with the agony while you wait, but my wait was no where near as long as yours. I understand (a little) how you feel. And of course, you can not not go to see your kids. Praying God comforts and sustains you all. Resting in the fact that God is love.
Praying for you, my dear, and those dear beautiful children.
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