You Never Let Go...

A dear prayer warrior and friend sent me this today. God bless you Mamita. You know that God has a special place reserved in heaven for you. I love you.

(I had to use the YouTube version)

Look...

The Sunday before this past Sunday was one of the hardest I've had in a long time. I was in a place where I had to face some profound, ugly thoughts of my heart and I was struggling to find my way through them. A path on this road I had not yet walked.

A few days before, I had begun to realize that I no longer thought of God as an awesome God.

Or hardly as God at all.

I had in my heart and mind reduced him to little more than a trinket. I believed He could probably do the things He said, but since I didn't see those things happening in my own life, I had let Him fall to a place where I no longer believed He was almighty God. He seemed far off and very small. I knew this was a very bad place to be, but I also absolutely couldn't see my way out of it.

Wow. :(

That's hard and painful for me to put out there. To acknowledge.

It was so ugly, that that Sunday morning I desperately wanted nothing more than to stay home from church. I didn't want to be anywhere where people were praising this God and worshiping Him. No one except two dear friends, knew that my heart was struggling so badly. They had been praying for me the past week. And even they had no idea how far my faith had fallen.

Sunday morning came, and with no reason for me to stay home, I went with my family to church. (Thank God He moves us to do things we don't want to, Amen? )

I know there is not a way for me to explain in human terms what happened to me that service, but I will try let you see a small glimpse inside my heart that morning.

The sermon was on the stoning of Stephen. An unlikely one to change a hardened heart but one God used.

Powerfully.

Powerfully.

As our pastor brought the stoning of Stephen to life, something just began to shift and fracture deep in my soul.

"So they stirred up the people and the elders and the teachers of the law. They seized Stephen and brought him before the Sanhedrin." Acts 6:12

Stephen. Standing falsely accused in front of his captors. Reciting not his own defense, but reciting the lives of those who had gone before him.

Abraham.

Joseph.

Moses.

David.

Solomon.

"Was there ever a prophet your fathers did not persecute? They even killed those who predicted the coming of the Righteous One. And now you have betrayed and murdered him you who have received the law that was put into effect through angels but have not obeyed it." Acts 7:52-53.

Thousands of years later as I sat and that list was read, as I heard those names, that testimony, the words of Stephen pounded in my ears, ""Look," he said, "I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God." Acts 7:56.

"Look!"...

"Look!"...

"Look!"...

As those words were spoken, my heart was literally wrenched open. Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit screaming at me with joy TO LOOK.

And I saw.

I. saw.

The saints, real people, real lives, asked to wait, tired, worn, weary, broken. Now standing with God triumphant.

They had walked this road.

And my Father....

My Father standing there in all His glory.

In that instant my heart screamed in sorrow before the God of the Universe and tears overwhelmed me. The mighty, powerful, all-knowing God of the entire Universe.

He took my beaten soul and He breathed life back into it.

Absolutely, marvelously, humbled.

Praying to God for forgiveness.

Pouring out my anger and pain.

And leaving it at His throne.

Believing with all my being that God is God.

To HIM be the glory.

Amen?

Trust...

I am not going to lie. I am continuing to struggle with some dark and heavy thoughts. Wrestling with questions which there are no answers to. I won't share any of it here because this desperation is definitely between God and me.

Last night seemed to be the hardest. Finally I poured out my heart to God and today these two verses were given to me. One in my email inbox, and one by a friend on her website. Both glaring the truth of God to me.

1 Kings 19:11-13 "Then a great & powerful wind tore the mountains apart & shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire, after the fire came a gentle whisper."

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust
in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy
Spirit."

I am clinging to these words today.

From Beginning to End...

Ecclesiastes 3:11 - "God has made everything beautiful in its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end."

Today I really needed to hear this.

I don't know why I'm struggling so much lately. Maybe because we're closer than we've been since 2005. Maybe because I'm missing my kids so much. Maybe it's because I'm slowly feeling my patience with this process ebb away.

Too many feelings all wrapped up in one adoption.

"...people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end."

THAT is comforting to me as we wait.

"I Don't Want My Children To Be Happy..."

This blog post is receiving hits all around the world and with very good reason. If you at all have a heart for God's children you MUST read it. :) Click on the words below to take you to the original post....

"I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE HAPPY"

On that note, I've been waiting and waiting to post anything on our adoption because we are SO CLOSE to having news! But since we aren't getting the green light on this step yet, I'll just post this: LORD WILLING (I really need to preface this post with that!!!), we'll be traveling for our empathy study either the last week of March or the second week of April! We haven't gotten confirmation on dates yet and so we continue to wait patiently for that final ok from the CNA.

This is NOT the time we will be bringing the kids home, but it's a HUGE step in that direction. The empathy study is the homestudy required by the CNA. It will be a time we go and spend time with the kids, while the CNA has social workers observe us and the kids. I am SO anxious to get back to Guatemala and to hold my kiddos again!!! I've asked them what they want to do while we're there so we'll see what that week holds for us. :)

If you could pray, pray that God moves this last mountain and that we hear news soon of when we need to travel. Our hearts are so ready to bring these two home. :)

Here is a verse and devotional I sent to a friend of mine this morning and one that I am also clinging to as we wait. "...it has not yet been revealed what we shall be..." (1 John 3:2)

And from Oswald Chambers: "The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty...We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of of what He is going to do next....Jesus said, "believe also in Me" not, "believe certain things about Me." Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in-but you can be certain that He will come. Remain faithful to Him."

...

Jesus didn’t die to save us from suffering—he died to teach us how to suffer…. Sometimes I actually mean it. I’d rather die young, having lived a life crammed with meaning, than to die old, even in security, but without meaning. - Mev Puleo

The Bible is very easy to understand. But we as Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand we are obliged to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. - Søren Kierkegaard

Christ has no body on earth but yours, no hands but yours, no feet but yours. Yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion for the world is to look out; yours are the feet with which he is to go about doing good; and yours are the hands with which he is to bless us now. -Saint Teresa of Avila