...

I am missing them.

Terribly.

SO happy to be home.

SO wanting them here.

Home :)

We're home. :)

Emilee's in surgery.

Kids in Guate did amazing with good-bye. Answer to prayer! I'll explain more later. :)

Sprained my ankle too.

Glad to be back. :)

Crying out....

Both kids are struggling terribly. Massively.

Last night was horrific. Spent with both crying, sobbing, heart-broken.

Finally cuddling in bed with me.

Me, crawling out after they were asleep, on my knees, by the bed, crying out to God.

I don't know how to do this.

I don't.

I am struggling with tremendous guilt.

How do I leave my kids without their mom and dad for months?

Dear God, how?!?!?

I don't know how to do this.

:)

Be still my heart.

How much can this little man break this mama to her core?

Last night as a treat, we and the family who is hosting us decided to take all the kids out to a movie. It was the one and only request Ronaldo and Julia had for when we came. Just after supper we told them. :)

Ronaldo, in his broken English, told us he needed to go change clothes.

A few minutes later, Rod found him in the bathroom, scrubbing his brand-new soccer shoes that we bought him here. He LOVES his shoes.

Shortly after, he came out of the closet, his favorite jeans on, his favorite new soccer shirt on asking me, "Mom? Shoes?", wondering if the shoes were a good choice with the outfit.

Then motioning for me that he needed his hair gelled.

Wanting me to do it.

One of those moments where my heart fell out of my body. I had to choke back tears.

This handsome, precious, shy, son of ours.

I kissed him and told him he'd break some hearts.


Apparently mine is first in line. :)

Sigh....

What a day. :)

The CNA was here right on time. Two female workers, one a translator, and one the social worker. The translator is the same one who sat in on our initial meeting with the kids on Monday. The one who told us that it wouldn't be possible for them to change the meeting. Our hostesses here had gone all out. Cleaning the house, cooking a meal for ALL of us, making sure we had enough seats.

And we began. :)

Lots of questions, things we have talked about millions of times between the two of us. Nothing that we didn't know or weren't sure about, just lots of questions. I only cried twice. So not terrible. Once when they asked us about leaving the kids, once when they asked me something else. They asked how the kids would feel after we left, how they would do. I broke down. I told them from the very first good-bye, Ronaldo has not done well with it. That he hugs me, begins to cry, and walks away, never turning back.

And how it KILLS me.

It absolutely KILLS me.

How every time I leave just broken.

They softened more. They were already kind, but something was changing in the room. They asked us more about our kids at home. More about our plans when these two came home. The whole time, Ronaldo and Julia were sitting there, quietly listening and smiling.

They wanted to talk to the kids alone.

We stepped outside.

It was a short 10 minutes or so. I could see through the window that Julia had tears. The translator stepped out. Obviously upset. She said quietly, "Ronaldo has tears. We asked them what they thought about that you had to leave and would not be back for a few months. He is sad."

I walked in.

On the couch my baby boy was sobbing. Just sobbing. Head in his arms. Desperately wishing for this all to go away.

I lost it.

The CNA sat with our hosts for lunch. We stayed on the couch, crying with two little kids for whom none of this is fair.

10 minutes.

15 minutes.

20 minutes.

All the heartbreak in the world in one little boy's heart.

The CNA left. Hugging us. Crying. Promising they would do what they can to move this through quickly.

Shattered.

And we sat, hugging, crying, promising... "THIS IS IT. NO MORE GOODBYES BUDDY. NO MORE.'

Sigh.

Lots of extra love happening here this afternoon. Lots of it.

Pray that this moves and moves quickly.

And please say a prayer for one precious little guy who's had too many goodbyes.

Noon.....

Thought I'd better update a little here! :)

We have our homestudy today at noon, so please be in prayer for that. :) We are on central time, but Guatemala doesn't change their time, so technically we are one hour behind central time. We aren't terribly nervous, but are ready to be done with this step.

The kids are doing amazing. This morning we have one little boy worrying when we are leaving...and how long before they can come home with us. :( He breaks my heart every time. The difference is this time is THE LAST TIME we say good-bye. These kids and my kids at home can't handle anymore good-byes.

Ronaldo....

This kid is soft-spoken and very kind. He is athletic and puts his dad to shame. ;) He pesters his sister to no end, and then feels badly after he does. He is terribly protective of her and makes sure I always know if she is feeling sad. He now asks me to take care of her. He is such a sweet kid and loves computer games and mazes, fill-in-the blank sort of puzzles. He constantly reads out loud and is working so hard to read everything in English. Gosh we love this kid.

Julia...

Julia is definitely louder than her brother. She is girlie to a fault and loves to look pretty. ;) She puts up with her brother to a point, and then loses it. She goes off on her own to cry, but she is learning a little more every day that mom and dad comfort you and help you out when you are sad. She loves to swim and has an infectious laugh. Coloring is her big thing and she colors absolutely beautifully. This girl is our baby.

We are going to have a really, really hard time saying good-bye. We desperately want to be back home. It's not a good place to be in. :( I need this family to be complete. FOREVER. We are getting so close. So close.

Please keep praying.

PRAISE GOD!!

Just got word...we are able to leave as planned!! They agreed to work with us!! I am an absolute mess here!!!! Happy, sad, all of it. Need this "two families" to be over with. I need my babies. All of them.

Just praising God. :)

Family

No news yet.

Frustrating.

As if we have nothing else in the world to do. ;)

Nice day with these two.

They just want to come home.

We just want our family.

Together.

Finding Blessing....

Good morning from sunny Guatemala! :)

After a restless and teary day yesterday (me, not Rod on the teary part), we've decided to find the blessings in this whole situation. We have two amazing, beautiful, precious kiddos here and in the big scheme of things, this is just a blip on our lives. A blip in this whole, terrible process. And we're choosing to see the positives.

My one prayer this whole wait has been that God will keep their hearts soft. That he will not let them be hardened by their circumstances. He has definitely provided that. Many worry about us bringing a 12 and 10 year old into our family. Maybe that should be a problem, but not THESE 12 and 10 year olds. They are kind, caring, and so sweet. They have their moments, but they are still very much wanting to be part of this family. They still crawl in bed to cuddle. They still give hugs and kisses freely to us. They smile, they laugh, they love.

We are blessed.

We are blessed.

Yesterday we were given legal guardianship of the kids until the adoption is completed. We now make all the decisions for them. For their care. It is a blessing.

And we are choosing to see that. Even in this. :)

:(

Well...that didn't go as well as we had hoped. :( They were pretty adamant that one of us stay a full two weeks. Ugh. I tried not cry too much. I did ok I guess. They said it wasn't their decision. That is the court's. And yet they told us the court states, "5 days". They honestly were very nice, just not giving us the answers we wanted and prayed we'd hear. :(

They will be calling this afternoon to let us know for sure. If one of us has to stay, it will be Rod. We have no idea how that will work.

We are discouraged and still hoping for our miracle I guess. Please, please keep praying.

HERE!

We're here!! And the laptop works! Thanks Amber!!

We have to be at the CNA tomorrow morning at TEN am, not noon like we thought! Remar will bring the kids.

WE CAN'T WAIT!!

Miss you kids at home. LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! thanks for the outpouring of support. We were able to listen to almost all of our daughter's testimony by phone. She brought us to tears. Amazing kid. :)

Till later!

Hands and Feet...

I've been pondering over this post all day and I don't think I can still find the right words to express my heart, but I'm going to try. :)

This morning was spent mostly in tears.

Not because I'm sad (I'm not), but because I am completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to the point that I have literally fallen to my knees again and again today, humbled before God.

And it's because of YOU. Each and every one of you.

I should be so nervous. I'm not. Instead I feel enveloped in a blanket of prayers.

I should be worried about the kids here. I'm not. Instead I have no doubts they will be cared for and loved.

I should be anxious about the financial part of this. I'm not. Instead I can't stop crying. You know why.

Never in my life have I experienced things in quite this way.

For those of you that know me best, I have a bit of hard time sharing my own troubles. By nature I have always been a "listener", but for me to open myself up to be vulnerable through sharing is terribly hard. I'm better at being the one "helping" and "caring".

But you've all stripped that facade right off of me this week.

The calls.

The emails.

The meals.

The donations.

The prayers.

Oh the prayers that have come.

And for the first time in my life, as I allow YOU to so completely uphold ME, I feel myself on my knees, humbled as I experience what it means to be carried by the hands and feet of God.

Thank-you for hearing HIM and listening to HIS promptings.

I have been reduced to a tearful puddle.

A bless-ed mess.

Your love has flooded my soul.

Thank-you.

Thank-you.

Need prayers...

Well, once again we need you to pray.

Tonight we found out that the CNA (adoption unit in Guatemala) has scheduled our homestudy visit for April 27.

The day after we come home. The day that my 6 year old Emilee is scheduled to have surgery. We CAN'T extend our visit.

We can't.

We are being told we that basically on Monday, we need to beg them to re-schedule their visit for Friday the 23rd instead.

The drama never ends.

Some days I swear this is just one big, bad dream.

Better than Nothing....

We have a plan. For Sunday night. For the first time ever, I'm asking that you pray our second flight is delayed. Just a bit. Even 15 minutes would buy us "enough" time.

The plan isn't perfect, but it is better than nothing.

And for all of you out there. We have been brought to our knees by you. I have not cried so many tears in a very long time.

God bless.

We WILL return the favor. We will.

Useless...

1 Corinthians 15:58So, - "So my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

Needed this one this morning.

The worst thing about having my family split in two is that inevitably someone gets hurt somewhere. This time it's the kids on this end.

Sunday night is our youth service. We didn't realize that until after we'd changed the tickets to travel on Sunday. Our oldest daughter is giving her testimony that night. A powerful, heartfelt testimony of God's faithfulness in some terrible struggles she's gone through. A one time deal. Something that won't and can't be repeated. We didn't know that she was doing this, until after we'd changed our tickets.

We are going to miss it.

I am devastated.

Crushed.

I'm tired of missing things. I'm tired of having to pick and choose between here and there. I'm tired of having to try convince myself that it will be ok.

Because you know what?

It's not.

It's not ok.

It's failure to me as a parent.

Hope Of Which We Boast...

I am a bundle of nerves over here...feeling sick, trying to get this all arranged for the kiddos at home and not forgetting anything for the kiddos over there. I told a friend yesterday that I do well once I'm in Guatemala, being able to compartmentalize things, but the transition from here to there almost does me in each time. :)

We ended up switching our flights this morning to the tune of a big ole' penalty. Darn it!! :(. We didn't feel comfortable with how close we would be cutting things if we left Monday morning and like Rod said, "after waiting 5 years for these kids, we don't want to screw things up now!" So we are leaving on a flight on Sunday instead. We'll get into Guate late Sunday night and get the kids sometime around noon on Monday. :) They will stay with us for the week at some friends of mine in Guatemala. It's a place I love and where I'm comfortable.

Please continue to pray as we arrange the last details.

And one last thing. If you are adopting, prepare to be overwhelmed and amazed by God. Certain things have happened in the last week that have brought me crashing to my knees in a sobbing mess of amazement.

God provides.

If He asks you to do it, He MAKES the way.

"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." Hebrews 3:6

Trust in that promise.

....

WE'RE GOING TO GUATEMALA FOR OUR EMPATHY STUDY!!!!!!!!!!

We need to be there on April 19 and will be staying until April 26! This is NOT to bring them home, just to complete the last big step which is the homestudy. Prayerfully they will be home this year yet though now!!!!

I get to see my babies!!!!!!!

*edited to add: I've added a PayPal donation button on the left. Not something I wanted to do, but we are going to be having some major expenses coming up here very quickly. Plane tickets (high on such short notice), lawyer fees, motel, visa, passports, not to mention remodeling here to accommodate these two. Ugh. :/ Please don't feel obligated to donate at all. Your prayers alone are certainly more than we ever need.

God always, always provides!

Prayers

Many of my friends are walking very hard, traumatic roads with their newly adopted kiddos from Haiti. Tonight I just want to ask that you pray for these families. These kids have endured so much and come with so much baggage and now it's up to these families to begin to sort through the muck of their lives, while trying to form a new family. It's a tough, tough road and I covet your prayers for them.

Blessed Easter

My favorite Easter song ever. Crank it and be blessed.



We serve a MIGHTY and VICTORIOUS God, Amen?

...

Hell= separation from God

"About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi,lama sabachthani"—which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"" Matthew 27:46