Pay it Forward...

Absolutely a wonderful, worthwhile cause.

PAYING IT FORWARD

Please consider donating just $5 or $10.

You CAN make a difference for a child.

Five years...

Five years....

FIVE YEARS....

five years of missing it all...

Of being separated from my children.

Watching my babies grow up in pictures and not in my arms....

Five years of good-byes that make no sense....

Five years of pain....

...of tears....

...of falling to my knees...

Five years of seeing God's hand prove mightier than man's.

Of watching God move when man said, "let them go"...

FIVE LONG, LONG YEARS....

And I would do it all again in a heartbeat if it meant that maybe someday I might have the privelege to be mom to these two.

We love you and we miss you terribly Ronaldo and Julia.

We pray that you are home soon.

"My soul is in anguish.
How long, O LORD, how long?" Psalm 6:3

Blessings...

I can't say the worry is completely gone, but I can say that God have given me such peace. Such overwhelming and wonderful peace.

I know, and I believe that He has Ronaldo and Julia firmly in His grip and that He will not let them go.

For today I can wait and rest in Him.

Giving them back to Him.

And in the meantime, I count my blessings. Thanking God for the five I have right here in front of me. Believing that each one of my seven is precious in His sight.

There is such comfort in knowing that God is not absent and that His promises are true.

My God...

I've been struggling horribly since we came home. Really struggling, in a way I have not this entire adoption. This time I felt more angry and have dealt with more guilt than I could carry. Once again I had lost the will or the ability to pray about my own situation.

It is a dark, terrible place to be.

I had reached out to a few. Begging to be prayed for. I knew the place I was in was not one that I could pray from.

I don't understand.

Why.

Today I went for a walk. To clear my head somewhat.

What began as a walk, became a time of once again crying out to God. My tears falling at the gates of heaven.

"I'm so angry God. So angry. So very very angry."

"I don't understand God. I don't."

Pouring out my anguish before His feet...

"Don't let me sin in what I say."

"I know I need to trust you and that You love them and are caring for them but God it's not fair. I don't care God. It's not. They need to be here. They do not deserve this."

"Why won't you bring them home Lord. Why. If you are powerful, why won't you bring my babies home. I don't understand."

"Please hold my faith because I have so little right now."

"God don't let me go. I can't do this right now, so please don't let me go. No matter what I say or feel, don't let me go. Keep my heart God, please."

Broken before Him.

Being held by Him.

"Even though I can't see, God I know I could not do this without you."

"Please keep my heart God. Please keep it and let me find peace. Even in this, let me find You."

Knowing that God is deeply compassionate.

And finding my peace. In Him.

Later I heard this song. One of my favorites.

And as the tears once again spilled over, I bowed my head and bowed my heart before the Almighty God. My Father.

My God is faithful.

My God is truthful.

My God is boundless, in all He is.

My God is wisdom.

My God is righteous.

My God is vision, for all who seek.

So I will worship You

In the beauty of holiness

and I will worship You

For the things You've done in me

And when my life's complete

I'll place my crown at Your feet

and I will worship You

on bended knee...

And when my life's complete

I'll place my crown at Your feet

and I will worship You

on bended knee...

Shredded....

My heart is here.

My heart is there.

I am shredded.

Clinging to God.

"But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed." Luke 5:16

Comforted in knowing HE understands.