This is going to be a long and rambling post and I apologize in advance. I actually wrote this last night, but Blogger crashed and so I'm posting it as is today.
It's one of the hardest posts I've written. One that is raw and not so easy to understand.
The month and some since I've been home has tested my faith in a way that it has not yet been tested. I have kept most of it private because one of my biggest fears in this whole journey, is that somehow in the end I would not bring glory to God. That somehow I would actually turn people FROM God.
And so I needed to go silent on this blog. And in life. Letting only a few in on the black night that had crept into my soul. Only giving you a glimmer of what was going on in my heart. The post on anger only touched the surface of what was truly happening and how close to losing my faith I really have been lately.
The fear I had that I was just one bad thing away from turning my back on God and my faith.
The terrifying knowledge that one more trial, and I would no longer believe.
I tinkered with the thought of becoming an atheist.
Ugly.
Dark.
Without hope.
Wondering why God refused to hear. Why he seemed completely silent and uncaring. Wondering how Christianity and a silent God could be worse than NO belief in any god. And finding no answers, only deafening, crushing, quiet from heaven.
I finally gave up.
Just literally gave up.
I told God that I did believe with some small part that "nothing could separate me from his love" (Romans 8), but that on my part I had given up. HE was going to have to hold me because I just couldn't fight anymore for something I couldn't see. For the miracle that never came and hasn't for more than 5 years.
The wound was too deep.
The pain was too immense.
The river had swallowed me up and I was spiritually drowning.
I didn't want to be in church this morning, but I went. Feeling like the fraud I had become, I needed to exit quickly. Talking to no-one. Believing nothing. An empty shell.
Then today, linked on another blog was this video:
""God has done so many miracles for others, but the one time I ask Him to do one for me, He says "no"...God ignored us and He did not care. Which makes me wonder if everything I've ever believed in my whole life was for nothing. But then I feel so guilty for almost not believing in my Savior." ...Jacob"When Life Hurts Most-The Anchor Of Hope by Lou Giglio.
The words crashed through every barrier I had built up around my soul.
"Because at the cross, we see that GOD. LOVES. US. It is at the cross that you know that God loves you. That's what you need to know most, when the bottom falls out of life. If you've ever been there, one of the thoughts that may have gone through your mind, is God must not love me if he's letting this happen to me. And the only way around that is to get eyeball to eyeball with the cross of Jesus....And so when the bottom falls out, I'm going to say to Jacob and I'm going to say to you and I'm going to say to me, get your eyes on the cross because as soon as you do, you'll at least know this, God loves me. That's not going to be a simple answer, please understand. That's not going to make sense maybe of what's going on, it's just going to assure you in the middle of it all, one of the things you're going to be anchored to is there is a God who loves me unconditionally and He always has. And I know that's true, not because of my circumstances, they may be telling me the opposite of that. I know it's true because of the cross of Jesus Christ."The walls began to tumble down as God grabbed me from the brink and held fiercely to my heart.
"The second thing the cross tells us when we see it, is that God allows freedom, but He maintains control. Now, I don't fully understand this completely...but you see it at the cross...that looks like a mob gone crazy right there, and it looks like nobody's in control...guys came to work, and they punched a clock...and their job was we crucify people.
Who's coming today?
That guy?
Put Him down.
Drive in the stakes.
Raise up the beam.
Go home.
See the family.
It's just done.
It's men doing their job, it's freedom, it's choice, it looks like chaos, but I'll tell you what, when you see the cross let me ask you a question, was God in charge or what?
YES.
Did men make choices? Yeah.
....Somehow, God allowed freedom, and He maintained control. And He's doing that right now...God is NEVER not in control of your life.
You say, Why didn't God stop that? He is and He will and He can. But when He does, life as you know it and I know it will be over. He will stop all of that kind of craziness. But for now, it's trouble, and the overcoming Jesus in the same window of time in our lives.
The cross anchors us to that hope."Tonight this aching, bruised soul was eager to go to church. A sermon on Romans 8 and the providence of God. A sermon that ripped from my soul, every last ounce of doubt. A sermon that changed so completely my view of God as fickle and weak and uncaring, to one that suddenly saw Him as so powerful that in the midst of utter evil, "God works for the good of those who love him,who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) That God is bending and shaping the very worst of our lives, the devastating circumstances that paralyze us, to bring about not only our good,
but His glory.
It is NOT God's desire to see us fallen. It is not. He allows the the agonizing suffering, the crushing devastation, the deep sorrow, but He is right there with us. Screaming at the demons who taunt our souls. Trampling them under His feet. Refusing to let go. Bending even in our agony, the entire universe to HIS WILL. We may not see an answer to the "why's" in this snapshot of life, but on the canvas of eternity, we can rest assured that God is creating a masterpiece.
WE CAN'T BE TAKEN FROM HIS NAIL-SCARRED HANDS.
The almighty God of the universe. Tonight if you are in a place where you can't find God, please watch the video. All the way to the end. I pray that it gives you the view of God that I have been given. If you have given up on God, I pray that it breathes back life into your drowning soul.
GOD LOVES US.
GOD LOVES YOU.“Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be dismayed. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will triumph.” (Isa. 50:7)
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39)
