"But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have."
1 Peter 3:15
Remember that expression? It was so cool back in the days when my older girls were growing up. I would hear it and think how silly it sounded.
Well, now it's not so silly to me.
For months I've pondered which direction I wanted this blog to go. Did I want to continue writing? Do I keep talking about adoption? How do I transition it? Do I talk about homemaking? How about natural healing and living? Trauma?
I was truly stumped. I hit a block and I couldn't seem to find a way around it. So I didn't write. Not anything.
But you see, that's sort of like cutting my right arm off. ;) God created me with a need to put words on paper. It's the best way I am able to sort through the millions of thoughts that go through my head and heart daily.
Yesterday before any of the kids woke up, I was siting praying. Talking to God about learning to depend more fully on Him. About letting go of worry and being very deliberate to revel in the now. To not lose track of these 7 amazing kids and to focus on loving them right where they're at.
My phone was tucked neatly beside me and so without a second thought, I picked it up and typed yesterday's post. My prayer on paper.
And that's where the confusion began. :)
I should have realized that when you are raising kids with trauma backgrounds, that if you put the word "fear" in a post, it might just cause a wee bit of confusion and panic by your readers. ;)
I want to clear that up.
My kids? They are doing well. They are amazing. All of them struggle daily, but loving their hearts is the best job in the world. These kiddos fight their own fears each and every single day. They struggle to manage thoughts that threaten to overwhelm them. They desperately want to be part of this family, and they are still fiercely loyal to their first families. We work through anger. Through sorrow. We rejoice in healing. We learn acceptance. We laugh. :)
And, I still have 3 older girls. The ones who still need their mama, but who are creating these very cool lives with people they love and who support them. I look at them and I think wow. They are not perfect, but they are pretty darn amazing young ladies. I love being their mom. :)
So we blend this family. We teach. We model. We fall down. We get back up and try again. We work at being a family. Unique individuals that are each created in His perfect plan.
And I pray.
I pray that I can learn to live in the now. In this very moment. Realizing that the legacy I want to leave is of grace. Of forgiveness. Of compassion.
So, my prayer?
It still stands. It's still the person I want to be.
Help me today to not focus on the "what. If's". Help me to be present in the here and now. Make my words kind and my heart tender. Give me the wisdom to model love. Keep me from a place of fear.